noozio.com: January 2007

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Chemistry Humor

An atom walks into a bar, gets wasted. As he's leaving, he slaps his pockets and says, "Darn, I've lost an electron".

The bartender said "Are you sure?"

So the atom says, "I'm positive."

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies" I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convince d that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so....he is safe....... for now....

Thanks Richard!

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

*This is a joke. Do NOT do any of these.

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and PRESTO! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the "snooze" button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be too afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Slam your finger in the car door and you will forget about the toothache.

8. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Thanks, La!

Monday, January 29, 2007

Dirty Job

Click the picture to download this free puzzle!

Click here for more Noozio puzzles.
Click here for Puzzle Instructions.
Click here for Frequently Asked Questions.

Puzzles created with Tibo Jigs@w (affiliate).

Sears and our Troops...

Here's an email I received from a friend that I found interesting:

I assume you have all seen the reports about how Sears is treating its reservist employees who are called up? By law, they are required to hold their jobs open and available, but nothing more. Usually, people take a big pay cut and lose benefits as a result of being called up... Sears is voluntarily paying the difference in salaries and maintaining all benefits, including medical insurance and bonus programs, for all called up reservist employees for up to two years. I submit that Sears is an exemplary corporate citizen and should be recognized for its contribution.

Suggest we all shop at Sears, and be sure to find a manager to tell them why we are there so the company gets the positive reinforcement it well deserves.

I did some digging around and found that this is not one of those urban legends... Here's a link to Sears's website that describes their programs.

Now, just to clarify... I am not a huge fan of Sears mostly because of their credit product. They make more money on the credit (and fees because of the credit) than they do on the products they sell. I used to be a slave to them.

Real Financial Heros Spoof Ads

These are too funny... Enjoy!

Part I

Part II

Part III

Microsoft Corporation ,1978

Living Will

While I was watching the games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for Living Wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart aleck.

Thanks for the laugh, Chris...

MacGyver MultiTool

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Jedi Wedding

Human Sling Shot Video

This may just be the craziest thing I've ever seen! Thanks for emailing it to me, Paul!

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Budget Hands Free Cell Phone

Brave Mouse

Drunk Pumpkin

Friday, January 26, 2007

Kia Musical Ad

Wow, I love this ad. Whoever thought of it is a genius.

No tailgating at the SuperBowl in Miami?

According to this article, the NFL has outlawed tailgating at the SuperBowl... "For security reasons." When I was talking to a friend about it I stated that at this point the terrorists have won.

His response was this, "Do you think it is about the terrorists or the almighty $$$?" I changed my mind quickly. He's right.

Now I'm not a sports fan. I could count the number of NFL games that I've watched on one hand... But this is crazy! What do you think?

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Curious George

Found Him!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Kids, Soda and a lame product...

This ad really got me goin'. Kids just don't need to be drinking that much soda - if any. But I guess the funny part of this ad is just that they try so hard to make the product something that people would want.

Watch and enjoy.

Whipped Magazine

Pull-Ups - Consumables Industry Rant

It really bothers me that so many companies are finding ways to milk us consumers. Pull-ups are just one example. What ever happened to going from diapers to underwear? I'm no exception. We have kids that use pull-ups just at night. But it still bothers me.

U.S.A. Cheer - Those nasty liberals!

OK, I'm not a lib. Nor do I side w/ them on much... but it is funny in this example from the DrudgeReport how the right tries to use "sound bites" or little snippets to make it look like the libs are up to something. Here's a screen cap of part of Drudge's website:

What do you think that makes most people think when they read just this headline? It made me think that some libs were trying push their anti-American agenda at some public school somewhere.

Now, read the whole story. It seems that it is actually the libs who WANT U.S.A. to be allowed to be chanted at this school's sporting events.... The thing is that U.S.A. doesn't have anything to do with patriotism... it stands for U Suck A$$.

"Any cheer you can come up with, if you want, can be perceived differently. In my opinion, it stands for U.S.A.," she said. "It's really sad because we went to the (boys basketball) game on Monday night and the students never peeped the entire time… Truly, they've been having more fun when they're not in their home gym because they can cheer."

In my opinion, it is people like this, making excuses for their kids bad behavior (and are being naive at best), that is the problem...

Great new T-Shirt for Bloggers from ThinkGeek

This about sums up so much about us.

Bloggers everywhere are opening their hearts to the world. Their souls are laid bare for all to see, feverishly tapped out in hypertext. Whether you're a actor-turned-writer-in-exile trying to find an audience you had once forsaken, or you're a political wonk showing people who really wields the power, blogs are the great leveler. They bring information directly to the people, bypassing the controls and filters of traditional media.

Then again, sometimes they're just the useless prattling of me-too writer wannabes with grandiose ideas of readership.

Either way, many people identify themselves with their online personas. Their entire identities are completely wrapped up in their blogs. Some of them believe that if they didn't have an open and public dialogue with the world, they would simply cease to be.

Blogito Ergo Sum. I Blog, therefore I am.

This t-shirt is charcoal with a blogger-brown button dead-center on the chest with "Blogito, ergo sum" in white. Beneath, a small reminder that you might not be as popular as you think: "Comments (0)."

Buy it at ThinkGeek.com (affiliate)

Funny Throw-back to Modem Noises

Those were the days... when every time you wanted to get on the 'net, you had to dial-up. Listening to all the chirps and screaches. Check out this "56K Modem Emulator" for a reminder of just how good you have it now that you have DSL!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Kitchen Fight - Paper Towel Ad...

First time I saw this ad, I reached so fast for my remote... to turn the TV off before my kids saw it. Later on, my oldest boy (11 years old) saw it and he was laughing so hard. I told him to not even think about it! Could you imagine?!

Adsense E-Book - The only one I'd recommend.

I do a few blogs and make a little money with Google Adsense. When I was getting started, I was not making a whole lot till I bought this ebook. I paid $97 for it. Now the guy who wrote it has it on sale for $20. Here's the link: http://www.adsense-secrets.com/special.html So get it while it is cheap! BUT here's the catch. The first time you go to that site, it will be the sale price. If you close your browser and try to go back later, it will be back to full price. So don't go till you're ready to buy it... or if you mess up, just do it from a different computer.

I'm not making any money off this referral... But if you run a blog and want to make some extra dough, you could make some money off this! Here's a screen shot of my Adsense stats from a couple days before and after I bought this ebook:

And it has only gone up from there. The middle part is blurred because it is against Google's terms to disclose certain parts of the stats.

Does a Bear Pray in the Woods?

This was sent to me by one of my sisters... Pretty funny.

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"? The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"? "Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through our Lord, Amen."

My new USB drive...

A friend sent this to me... Thought it was pretty funny.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Does this remind you of anyone you know?

I love this ad. It reminds me that we're not the only one in the world with a blabber mouth daughter...

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Gerber Picante Sauce

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Super Stealth Fighter

Friday, January 19, 2007

Sesame Street Thanksgiving

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Sesame Street Gangstas

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The Beer Store

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Always Open - Closed

Monday, January 15, 2007

Birder King

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Brave Dog

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Canadian Hunter

Friday, January 12, 2007

Cat Kwon Do

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Cell Phone Shaver

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Mona Lisa

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

Official Seal of the Democratic Party

Monday, January 8, 2007

Kiddy Dust Mop

Sunday, January 7, 2007

Fox Hunt, Just Fit In

Click the picture to download this free puzzle!

When you are in deep doo-doo, say nothing, and try to look like you know what you're doing. (Did you ever feel like this guy?)

Thanks, Paul!

Click here for more Noozio puzzles.
Click here for Puzzle Instructions.
Click here for Frequently Asked Questions.

Puzzles created with Tibo Jigs@w (affiliate).

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Dough Boy Doh!

Monday, January 1, 2007

Puzzles Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

How to save an unfinished puzzle?
You do not install Jigs@w Puzzle Free but run it right away. After finishing the game there will be no temporary files or records in the Windows registry left in your computer. You can run Jigs@w Puzzle Free whenever you receive it and how many times you want with your computer without any extra file. For this reason Jigs@w Puzzle Free does not support saving unfinished puzzles.

Nevertheless we have a solution for you. You can play puzzles in Jigs@w Puzzle 2 (affiliate), see below How to play a puzzle from this game in Jigs@w Puzzle 2?.

How to create a similar jigsaw puzzle game?
Such a game can be created in Jigs@w Puzzle 2 (affiliate).

How to create a puzzle?
Unfortunately it is not possible to create puzzles in this game. You can create puzzles in Jigs@w Puzzle 2 (affiliate).

How to play a puzzle from this game in Jigs@w Puzzle 2?
If you have Jigs@w Puzzle 2 (affiliate) installed in your computer, there is a Copy button in the menu of the starting screen. Select the puzzle you wish to copy into Jigs@w Puzzle and click the Copy button. To select more than one puzzle hold the CTRL key or use the selection.

Some puzzles do not work, what shall I do?
There can be the following reasons:

The puzzle contains a link to an image located on the Internet. In this case check the Internet connection. But the image may have been already removed from the Internet.
The puzzle contains multimedia files. In this case you may not have the right version of DirectX or codec for playing such files. See also What are the minimum system requirements (DirectX). We recommend to download and install a codec pack.

Does this game contain spyware or adware?
No, Jigs@w Puzzle Free created in Jigs@w Puzzle 2 (affiliate) does not include any spyware, adware, viruses or other similar software. Though be aware that before Jigs@w Puzzle Free getting to you from its author such software could have been attached. The program producers and authors cannot prevent it. Therefore run Jigs@w Puzzle Free from confident resources only.

What are the minimum system requirements?
MS Windows 98 SE, Intel Pentium processor, 32MB of RAM, DirectX 8.0 (playing music and movie puzzles)

Puzzle Instructions

To play the puzzles that are available on this site, click on the picture of the puzzle you want and save it to your desktop as seen in these two pictures:

Once it is on your desktop, double click the icon (it looks like a yellow puzzle piece) and then you should be able to put the puzzle together. These puzzles do not install anything on your computer. You just run them. If you want to get rid of them, just delete the file. I personally make sure they are free of spyware and viruses. If you're using Windows XP Service Pack 2, you may get a warning screen like this:

If you do see a screen like this, just click the run button and the puzzle will start.

Moving piece
Every piece can be caught and dropped by the left mouse button in two ways:

Place the cursor above the piece, press and hold the left mouse button. Now you can move the piece arbitrarily but you still have to hold the left mouse button. Along with releasing the button you will drop the piece.
Place the cursor above the piece, click the left mouse button. You can move it again but it is not necessary to hold the left mouse button. This way is more suitable if you wish to move the piece for a longer time. The piece can be dropped by clicking the left mouse button again.

You can connect pieces together. The connection is accompanied with a sound and next to the cursor, an animated icon appears. You can move together connected pieces as one piece. At the bottom part of the screen there is information about the percentage you have already solved.

Turning piece
To turn a piece:

Right
Catch the piece and turn it by pressing the right mouse button or by moving the mouse wheel down.
Left
Catch the piece by the left mouse button and turn it by pressing CTRL key and the right mouse button or by moving the mouse wheel up.

If you have a scroll wheel on your mouse, you may also be able to use it to turn the puzzle pieces.

About Noozio.com

What is Noozio.com?
Noozio.com is a blog where I can post things that don't fit in my other blogs but are interesting to me and that I think might be interesting to you. The topics are all over the place, so don't look for a theme.

Where'd you get that name?
The name "Noozio" is, well, um, made-up. It is a mish-mash of New, Ooz and io (to us geeks: Input/Output) as-in In one ear, Out the other. It is pronounced nüz-E-'O for you pronunciation people. What it really boils down to is the domain name was available, it is pronounceable, somewhat short and hopefully memorable.

Do you make money with this website?
Sometimes. We do link to a few choice other websites where if you buy, we get a small commission. We will put a note next to any link when we do this so that you know that there's something in it for us. We also link to our other blogs where we make money with other types of advertising... such as Google Adsense. Those sites are very niche and that type of advertising works. Since our topics will be so wide-spread, they don't work very well here.